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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22724227">you look so pretty and I love this view</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity'>aletterinthenameofsanity</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>not talking about boys, I'm talking about girls [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>WTFock | Skam (Belgium)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Bisexual Female Character, Britt and Noor are boys, CAN Y'ALL IMAGINE, Emotional Manipulation, Everyone else is the same, F/F, Genderswap, I WOULD HAVE FUCKING DIED JUST LIKE I DID WITH SPAIN, Lesbian Character, MY POOR WLW HEART, Sander and Robbe are girls, Sasha &amp; Nathan are best friends, THE AESTHETICS OF A FEMALE SOBBE WOULD BE OFF THE CHARTS, Unhealthy Relationships, Unreliable Narrator, actually Brian isn't Britt he's kinda her older brother, but he's still the one dating Sasha, don't worry it will be explained, i had to change a few things, those last two refer to Brian/Sasha not Sasha/Lotte of course</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 16:15:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,092</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22724227</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasha has never seen anything as bright as Lotte’s eyes, nothing as warm as Lotte’s admiring gaze. She knows she could so easily burn under Lotte’s soft gaze. She could so easily burn Lotte herself, but god, Sasha can’t help herself. She can’t help but chase after Lotte anyway, can’t help but flirt with her in the grocery store and make her croques and braid her long, shaggy hair by the fire pit at the beach house.</p><p>Girls can get away with a lot of more intimate contact without it being construed as gay, Sasha knows. She knows she can do this right under Brian’s eye and he’ll just dismiss it as another quirk of hers, her finally getting a new friend.</p><p>Sasha can practically picture Brian’s words in her head. It’s so nice that you’ve made a new friend, he’ll say. Another girl. You and Nathan have been hanging out so much lately and people have been talking.</p><p>And now Sasha has an utterly disastrous, burning crush on Nathan’s girlfriend, so the joke’s kind of on Brian, she supposes. Nathan was never a risk to their relationship- the girl in the loose brown jacket with the bambi eyes and the lack of knowledge about Bowie (but the willingness to learn) and the love of skateboarding was instead.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sander Driesen &amp; Noor Bauwens, Sander Driesen/Britt, Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>not talking about boys, I'm talking about girls [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1639027</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>47</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Sasha</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoongirl/gifts">themoongirl</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/aguamarina/gifts">aguamarina</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title is from "We Fell In Love In October" by girl in red because no duh.</p><p>Alright, I kept seeing edits of female!Sobbe on tumblr and I couldn't help myself. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did- I cranked it out in like an hour and a half.</p><p>Also, so Sander, Noor, Robbe, and Britt are gender swapped, with a slight change to "Brian"'s backstory in regards to the whole Jens/Britt thing.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Songs for this chapter are "The Wild" by Mumford &amp; Sons and "Fear of the Water" by SYML.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sasha has never seen anything as bright as Lotte’s eyes, nothing as warm as Lotte’s admiring gaze. She knows she could so easily burn under Lotte’s soft gaze. She could so easily burn Lotte herself, with Sasha’s burning mind and mania, but god, Sasha can’t help herself. She can’t help but chase after Lotte anyway, can’t help but flirt with her in the grocery store and make her croques and braid her long, shaggy hair by the fire pit at the beach house.</p><p>Girls can get away with a lot of more intimate contact without it being construed as gay, Sasha knows. She knows she can do this right under Brian’s eye and he’ll just dismiss it as another quirk of hers, her finally getting a new friend.</p><p>Sasha can practically picture Brian’s words in her head. <em> It’s so nice that you’ve made a new friend</em>, he’ll say. <em> Another girl. You and Nathan have been hanging out so much lately and people have been talking. </em></p><p>And now Sasha has an utterly disastrous, burning crush on Nathan’s girlfriend, so the joke’s kind of on Brian, she supposes. Nathan was never a risk to their relationship- the girl in the loose brown jacket with the bambi eyes and the lack of knowledge about Bowie (but the willingness to learn) and the love of skateboarding was instead.</p><p>-</p><p>Throughout the week Sasha sees Lotte and Jens hanging out. Lotte, despite her long, gorgeous hair and warm eyes and strawberry-like scent and beautiful lips, is so easily accepted as just “one of the guys.” Lotte and Jens have been best friends for years- Brian told her about how Jens cheated on his little sister and may have said a bad word or two about Lotte in the process.</p><p>Sasha doesn't know how to feel about Jens. But she <em>does</em> know how she feels when she sees Lotte smiling at her, and that feeling is enough to burn her right up.</p><p>At the party at the end of the week, all of them dressed up in costumes, she catches sight of Lotte, her hair up for the first time since Sasha first saw her in front of that graffiti wall weeks ago. Her hair is up in two tiny space buns, her face streaked with zombie makeup and fake blood, and she’s kissing Nathan, but for just a moment her gaze and Sasha’s meet and Lotte’s hungry gaze burns into Sasha’s.</p><p>For the rest of the evening, even as Sasha dances with Brian, she can’t forget Lotte. She can’t forget Lotte’s burning eyes under the neon red lights, the way Lotte and her had locked eyes across the room, the way that Lotte had smiled at her when they'd made croques or gone sailing through the store on a cart or when they'd been helping clean up the mess of bottles yesterday.</p><p>-</p><p>They keep flirting, her and Lotte. They flirt their way out of a double date with Nathan and Brian, a date which ends with Brian getting irritated and leaving and Nathan running off in the opposite direction, as despite him being Sasha’s friend she knows that both Nathan and Brian hate each others’ guts.</p><p>Brian leaves her with Lotte, thinking that another girl could never be a risk. That Brian’s sister’s ex’s best friend could never constitute a flight of mania, unlike how he likes to blame everything else.</p><p>But looking at Lotte, who’s smiling at Sasha like she’s never seen Lotte smile at anyone, Sasha can't help but think that she'd go anywhere, do anything, to make this girl keep smiling.</p><p>And she does. She gets the beer and they go riding on their bikes and the world, for once, feels like it's Sasha's for the taking without her having to be worried about the crash from a manic episode.</p><p>They get to a pool and go skinny dipping, alcohol flying through their veins, laughter flying from their lips. There’s splashing and swimming and then-</p><p>And then- then they kiss. Or, well, Sasha kiss Lotte and Lotte flinches away, at first, but then she teases Sasha back and then <em> Sasha </em> is the one being kissed, Lotte’s fingers against her neck and braid, her own fingers pulling through Lotte’s long, floating hair, and Sasha’s veins are alight with a fire that she knows will burn her to ashes but she doesn’t care. She doesn’t care when they stumble their way out of the pool, laughing as they wring out their hair and pull their clothes back on, get back on their bikes and bike to Lotte’s place, where they stumble through the door and into Lotte’s room, where Lotte gives Sasha a loose white t-shirt and sweatpants to change into before they fall into Lotte’s bed where they keep kissing and talking.</p><p>(Lotte doesn't seem to care about her damp hair and Sasha’s damp braid hitting the sheets. She doesn’t seem to care about anything but the two of them, just like Sasha doesn’t either. For this moment, for now, there are just the two of them. There is just this moment, with Lotte’s warm smile, where for once in Sasha’s life the world is beautiful and warm and <em> right</em>.)</p><p>-</p><p>When Sasha wakes up, her first thought is of the beautiful girl in bed next to her, fast asleep and snuggling into Sasha’s chest like a little koala, all curled in on herself with the sleeves of her oversized hoodie falling over her knuckles. </p><p>Her second thought is of the way Lotte’s eyelashes paint shadows across her cheeks in ways that Sasha knows she can’t wait to draw someday, if only Lotte will give her the chance to do so.</p><p>Her third thought is of how she <em> has </em> to break up with Brian. There’s no way to go back from here. There’s no way for Sasha to ever go back to Brian and the way his words froze her when there is Lotte, Lotte with her kind, warm eyes and bright smile and brighter personality. Lotte, who makes Sasha feel accepted and loved, who makes Sasha feel warm, who Sasha knows is the One.</p><p>So Sasha sneaks out of the house that morning, before Lotte even wakes up for school, and texts Brian telling him that they need to meet for lunch.</p><p>-</p><p>“I want to break up,” Sasha says after a few minutes of stilted conversation with Brian during her lunch break from school. He looks at her, raising a disbelieving eyebrow.</p><p>“You can’t be serious.”</p><p>“Serious as a heart attack,” she says, “I haven’t felt anything for you for months, now. And recent events have led me to the realization that we don’t belong together.” She gives him what she hopes is a kind smile as she stands up from the table, tucking her bleach blonde braid under her dark pageboy cap. “And I just wanted to say goodbye.”</p><p>“This is just a manic phase, you know,” Brian says with a sneer as she leaves. “You know you’ll want me back.”</p><p>Lotte doesn’t make Sasha feel high, like a manic phase- she makes Sasha feel comfortable. She makes her feel safe. </p><p>She makes her feel <em> loved </em>, which Brian never did.</p><p>“I’ll never come back to you,” Sasha tosses over her shoulder, and she means it.</p><p>-</p><p>Sasha goes back to Lotte’s apartment that evening, knocking on her door, anticipation and excitement humming in her veins. She doesn’t know if Lotte’s still with Nathan, if she feels the same way that Sasha does (Sasha sure hopes she does, and she <em> thinks </em> that Lotte does, after everything that went down last night, but she can’t be entirely certain), but she can definitely hope. They can talk this evening, and maybe have dinner, and if everything goes well then Sasha might even get some more kisses by the end of the night.</p><p>But it’s not Lotte at the door, despite the fact that it’s a Thursday evening and she should be long out of school by now. Instead, a slightly older man opens the door- a guy about Brian’s age, Sasha would have to estimate, with a head of light brown curls and a smile as warm as Lotte’s. “And who might you be?”</p><p>Sasha doesn’t know if Lotte is out or not. She doesn’t know if this guy is homophobic or not. So she doesn’t say “girlfriend.” She doesn’t say “hook up.”</p><p>“Sasha Driesen,” Sasha says, feeling a bit stupid for not texting beforehand. She’d wanted to surprise Lotte, but now she’s regretting that decision. “I just came to visit Lotte- I’m a friend of hers. Is she home?”</p><p>The guy’s expression goes sympathetic. “Sorry, Lotte is visiting her mother. She’s not here right now.”</p><p>Wait a moment. Visiting her mother? Why would she have to visit her mother? Is this not where she lives?</p><p>“Her mother?” Sasha asks, all confusion, and the guy in turn raises an eyebrow.</p><p>“Didn’t you say you were a friend of Lotte’s?” he asks, and Sasha nods.</p><p>“I was just visiting last night.”</p><p>The guy’s eyebrows shoot up as recognition crosses his face. “Wait a minute. You’re...oh.” His expression lights up. “You’re <em> Sasha </em>.”</p><p>He says her name as if it means something special, something that would cause such happiness on his face, but she doesn’t know what or why so she just nods, causing him to hold open the door a little.</p><p>“Come on in, then. I’m Milan, one of Lotte’s flatmates. I’ll explain a little bit of what’s happening.”</p><p>Sasha’s not entirely sure of the man despite his kind appearance, but she’s willing to trust him enough to sit down at his table and listen to him explain, which he then proceeds to do.</p><p>“Lotte lives with me, Zoe, and Senne- those are our other flatmates, by the way- because her parents weren’t in the right state to take care of her.” His expression scrunches as if he’s smelt something nasty for just a moment as he says: “Well, her father <em> left </em> her when things went too bad, because he’s a jackass, but that <em> is </em> the general backstory, anyway.”</p><p>There’s a feeling of dread creeping up Sasha’s throat when she asks: “When things went too bad?”</p><p>Milan’s expression immediately shifts to sympathetic. “Lotte’s mother was having episodes.”</p><p>The word shoots Sasha point-blank in the chest, blowing her heart to smithereens.</p><p>“Episodes?” Sasha asks despite knowing exactly what he’s talking about, and Milan nods.</p><p>“She’s schizophrenic,” Milan says, “She did some rather...bad stuff during an episode, once, and Lotte came to live with Zoe, Senne, and I as a result.”</p><p>Oh, fuck.</p><p>Something inside of Sasha’s chest shrivels up and dies, its corpse burning under the scorching heat of Milan’s words. An episode- Lotte’s mother had an episode that forced her daughter out of the house. Multiple episodes, from the sound of it.</p><p>Sasha’s eyes are threatening to burn. She knows she’s toxic, she knows her brain is broken, but still she’d hoped- oh god, she’d <em> hoped </em>. She’d hoped that Lotte would be understanding whenever Sasha told her, that Lotte’s warmth and kindness would extend to Sasha’s mind’s problems. She’d hoped that Lotte, in turn, would be able to come to Sasha with her issues, would be able to rely on Sasha and believe in her in a way that no one else ever has.</p><p>But instead-</p><p>Lotte might have been her comfort, but Sasha could never be hers. Sasha’s bipolar could never square with the mother who ran Lotte out of her own home, that led to her having to live in a flat with a bunch of random people. Sasha’s bipolar will only ever be another traumatizing experience for Lotte, another trigger, another problem.</p><p>“You all good, Sasha?” Milan asks, and Sasha looks up at him and jerks out a small nod, giving him a small smile.</p><p>“Never better.” She stands up from the table and gives him what she hopes is a convincing smile. “Just remembered that my mother wants me home for dinner, so sorry. I’ll text Lotte later.”</p><p>Milan gives her a smile so kind it breaks her heart. “Hope you do.”</p><p>Sasha, knowing she won’t be texting Lotte, nods anyway. “Of course.”</p><p>And then she leaves, knowing she won’t be back, knowing that she’s leaving a piece of herself in this flat as she goes.</p><p>-</p><p>“Brian?” Sasha says into the phone as she leaves Lotte’s apartment. It’s nothing more, just his name in greeting, but that’s enough to somehow tell him everything.</p><p>“Told you it was just a manic phase,” Brian says, all smugness, all conceit, and Sasha nearly shivers as she remembers how Lotte never told her she was wrong. She didn’t push down Sasha’s love of Bowie or her idea to go biking to that pool or anything else. She didn’t do anything to control Sasha at all.</p><p>Well, Lotte didn’t know the truth, did she? She didn’t know about how Sasha’s own mind plays tricks on her, about how she can go through the absolute worst highs and the worst falls.</p><p>(She didn’t know that Sasha was toxic. She didn’t know that Sasha had episodes just like her mother, didn’t know that Sasha would only bring her ruin.)</p><p>“Want to go to that party on Saturday?”</p><p>Sasha thinks about Lotte, thinks about her beautiful mouth and the way she’d listened whenever Sasha talked about David Bowie and her warm, understanding gaze and the way her hair had felt under Sasha’s fingertips.</p><p>“Sure,” she says, even though she feels anything but that.</p><p>Brian says goodbye and a <em> see you then</em>, as if everything is normal, as if Sasha hasn’t ripped her own heart out and left it in Lotte’s bed.</p><p>She hangs up the phone and she sits down on the steps in Lotte’s lobby and she lets herself cry for exactly two minutes before pulling a tissue out of her satchel, wiping her face off, and touching up her lipstick.</p><p>Sasha Driesen can make it through this, she knows. She can keep Charlotte Ijzermans safe and happy even if Sasha aches with the absence.</p><p>-</p><p>Sasha kisses Brian at a party that Saturday and she can feel her heart splintering inside her own chest.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Alright, I may or may not continue this. If I don't, feel free to assume that OF COURSE this has a happy ending (after some shit goes down, just like any Isak pairing), but if you do want me to continue, then please feel free to leave a comment as comments often give me the motivation to write more.</p><p>(Also a future version would probably include a subplot about Nathan helping convince Sasha to leave Brian earlier than Sander did because he and Sasha are the friends in this story, not Nathan and Brian. Also Brian doesn't have Jana on his side like Britt did, so Lotte's friends will probably convince HER to help Sasha out sooner as well.)</p><p> </p><p>Update: the plan is mostly outlined for two more chapters and will most likely update once a week (that's the goal, at least). Chapter 2 will be Lotte, while 3 should be Sasha again to tie everything together again.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Lotte</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Songs for this chapter are "Crawl Out Of Love" by Illenium and "Wildfire" by SYML.</p><p>This chapter's a lot more canon-divergent than the last one- mostly due to Nathan and Sasha being the best friends in this one instead of Britt and Noor, to be honest, as well as the reason why Sasha went back to Brian- but I hope you all enjoy it anyway!</p><p>Also, me? Try to write a slow-burn? I am literally only capable of writing slow burn for Power Rangers soulmate AUs and that's that. Good for you guys, though, right?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Lotte dreams of the girl who broke her heart, she dreams of her in shades of white and black and red and gold. White, like her blinding hair, red, like her pageboy cap and her lips, gold, like her golden skin and eyeshadow and hoop earrings, and black, like her leather jacket and Doc Martens.</p><p>(White, like the shade of Lotte’s face after the blood had drained from it after seeing Sasha kissing Brian at that party. Red, like the way Lotte’s heart had bled as she’d run away from the sight. Black, like the night sky over Antwerp as Lotte had wandered down to the dock after having her heart shattered. Gold, like a million shattered memories and promises.)</p><p>Lotte dreams of Sasha Driesen night after night and wakes up to tears on her cheeks and a broken heart, regardless of whether the dream was of the night Sasha and Brian kissed at that party or of the night that Sasha and Lotte kissed in the swimming pool. She dreams of her own pale hands slipping through white hair, of her lips against Sasha's dark red ones, of Sasha's golden skin against Lotte's dark blue sheets. She dreams of a world gilded by red-gold and covered in shadows, and she can never figure out whether or not her own world is cursed never to go back to the brilliance of that night after the pool.</p><p>-</p><p>Jens notices the fact that she’s even more closed off than normal. Milan does too. They ask her, briefly, how she's doing, before both get interrupted- by the boys and by Zoe.</p><p>And then Lotte gets to sit there, heartbroken, as she watches Jens skate with the boys, joking about kissing girls, knowing that she likes girls just as much as they do but that the first night she kissed one, the world shattered.</p><p>Over the course of the two weeks after Sasha left her, Lotte finds herself sitting slouched into her oversized jackets, watching the world go by, finding it harder and harder to stay asleep and wondering just what she did wrong, just what she did that turned the best night of her life into the worst morning of her life- and Jens, her best friend since they were little kids, the guy who taught her the basics of skateboarding and who she, in turn, taught the fancier tricks to, barely picks up on it. </p><p>(She guesses she deserves it, though. She <em>did</em> hide her crush on his girlfriend from him last year. She did some pretty horrible shit to him that helped contribute to him and Jana breaking up.)</p><p>But she has to admit that the fact that neither he nor either of the other two Broerrs- Moyo, her and Jens' friends since they were ten, and Aaron, the newbie- pick up on her insomnia and self-hatred and heartbreak and the closet that's threatening to squeeze the life out of her doesn't surprise her. They've always just considered her "one of the guys"- and she's let them. She's specifically held back her problems and her secrets and just gone along with the weed and the skateboarding and the Youtube videos- all of which she honestly enjoyed, but <em>still</em>, they don't ask her questions. They don't ever reach out to see what's the matter.</p><p>She wants them to ask. She wants them to actually take a damn minute to notice the shadows under her eyes. She thinks that she might be able to tell them something, if they'd just. Fucking. Ask. Her.</p><p>But the one time that Jens sits down to ask, Moyo and Aaron end up dragging him away anyway, and she's stuck where she was before.</p><p>-</p><p>The thing is-</p><p>The thing is that Lotte doesn't know why Sasha ran. She doesn't know why Sasha left.</p><p>Lotte basically broke up with Nathan at the bar the night here and Sasha kissed for the first time. She was open and free for Sasha to take and love and have. She'd practically thrown her heart into Sasha's hands and trusted her not to break it. She'd given as much of herself to Sasha as she could in one evening, let Sasha take her on a trip that it's hard not to imagine that Lotte dreamed up, it was that perfect.</p><p>But Sasha hasn't texted her since. The only reason why Lotte knows that Sasha is even back with Brian is because Lotte <em>saw</em> her, that Saturday night, at that party, her hands draped around Brian's neck, her lips against Brian's. The girl with the moon-bright hair and red cap and golden earrings was kissing the boyfriend she said that she'd left Lotte for and Lotte went from a question to a horrible answer.</p><p>Did Sasha leave because Lotte was too desperate, that she'd practically thrown herself at Sasha the moment Sasha had said <em>jump, </em>that Lotte had gone skinny dipping with a girl she'd barely known? Is it because it's just easier for Sasha to be with a boy than to be with a girl, because she's just as scared as Lotte's been?</p><p>Lotte can't be sure, and she has no one to ask, and it's eating her up from the inside.</p><p>-</p><p>But then Nathan shows up at Lotte’s apartment, in all shades of black like always, even his eyeliner, looking put together and polished in that emo-hipster-artsy way of his, as opposed to Lotte and her oversized brown jacket and her faded thrift store t-shirts and her loose jeans. They were always that way, his art school looks next to her skater girl grunge, never quite finding a happy middle despite the time they were together.</p><p>Still, though- they were together long enough for Lotte to learn things about Nathan. Learn about his mannerisms and the general way he thought. Right now, Lotte knows that something’s off from the way that Nathan’s hand never leaves the strap of his art bag.</p><p>Before he has a chance to speak, though, Lotte jumps to apologize. “I’m sorry for the way things went,” she says, because their break up was messy and getting into the relationship with him in the first place was messy and she’s just sorry for everything that happened.</p><p>“Listen,” he says, voice not unkind, “That’s real nice of you and all, but I’m not here to talk about our relationship.”</p><p>Lotte’s brow furrows. “But then what?”</p><p>He pulls at his lower lip with his upper teeth- a nervous habit of his in the same way that tearing up paper is hers. “I wanted to talk to you about Sasha.”</p><p>Lotte’s lips twist as she thinks about the girl who broke her heart. “What about her?”</p><p>“I haven’t talked to her in over a week,” Nathan says, and, well, that’s a little strange.</p><p>Nathan and Sasha are supposed to be best friends. Lotte can clearly remember Sasha mentioning that the night they’d come back to her room after the pool, the night that she and Sasha had laid in her bed and talked about everything and nothing, about the multiverse and David Bowie and their own lives- the night that Sasha had promised Lotte that Brian meant nothing to her anymore before going back to him anyways.</p><p>(And, of course, Sasha and Nathan's whole <em> looks </em> match, their love of black and small hooped earrings and pageboy caps and artsy makeup and hipster shoes and just the whole <em> aesthetic, </em>as Milan likes to call it.)</p><p>“And why do you suppose that I have?” Lotte asks, and Nathan stares at her, long and hard, for a few moments.</p><p>“Sasha’s my best friend,” Nathan says eventually, “That’s how she was at the beach house, in case you wanted to know. And I care about her. And I <em> know </em> her. I know how she is when she’s interested in someone.”</p><p>Lotte still feels kind of shitty for how she treated Nathan, how she tried to use him to summon some kind of feelings in her that were never going to come. He’s actually a decent guy, with a pretty great personality and sense of style, and if he was a girl then Lotte has the feeling that this would have worked out a lot better. Instead, though, she used him to try and look "normal" to the guys, to prove that she had just as much game as them, that she could have as successful a relationship as Jens. She didn't really think of Nathan's feelings much at all.</p><p>So the fact that she broke up with him for his best friend? Yeah, not the best look in the world for her.</p><p>“And how’s that?” Lotte asks, and Nathan gives her a small, crooked smile.</p><p>“How she looks at you,” Nathan says simply, and then sighs. “Or, at least, how she allowed herself to look at you after you and I broke up at the bar."</p><p>As much as that feels at least partially reassuring, it still hurts, because it just reminds Lotte of the fact that it doesn't matter how Sasha looked at her- it only matters that at the end of the day, she left Lotte behind and went back to her boyfriend.</p><p>“Well,” Lotte says, “She’s with Brian.”</p><p>“As of when?” Nathan says, brow furrowing. "When I saw her at school last week, she told me that she’d broken up with him,” Nathan says, and the bottom drops out of Lotte’s stomach.</p><p>“But I saw her kissing him at a party this weekend.”</p><p>Nathan purses his lips and looks away from Lotte, if only for a moment before looking back at her. “Listen, there’s a lot to say about Brian. And a lot to say about Sasha. I’m not saying that Sasha’s perfect- far from it- but Brian’s done a lot of fucked up shit to her. Convinced her of things that aren’t true.” A shiver goes down Lotte’s spine as he continues with: “And I don’t know why she went back to him, but I’ve just got a bad feeling, alright?” He gives Lotte a look. “And I know you care about her, too.”</p><p>And Lotte does, truly. She cares about Sasha despite what Sasha did do her. </p><p>And if there was something wrong, something amiss with why Sasha left her...</p><p>Lotte swallows. "So what do you want me to do?" she asks, genuinely wanting to know, genuinely wanting to help if there's something wrong, no matter what Sasha did to her.</p><p>Nathan purses his lips. "I don't know," he says, "Just...tell her I'm worried, alright? If she comes to you instead of me or if she texts you or whatever. Let her know that no matter what's happening with Brian or whatever, I care about her way more than I hate him."</p><p>Lotte nods. "Of course."</p><p>Nathan gives her a small, pained smile. "Thanks," he says, then turns away to leave. "That's all I wanted to ask, anyway, so, uh, bye."</p><p>"Bye," Lotte says, sensing the awkwardness in the air. She hopes that one day that awkwardness won't be there, that they can go back to being friends- because she really did enjoy hanging out with him back before sex and romance entered the equation and she never got further with him than a really awkward handjob.</p><p>And then he leaves.</p><p>-</p><p>Lotte goes to bed that night thinking about Sasha Driesen and her ever-confident smile and her red lipstick and her golden skin and her blonde braid and her leather jacket and the way that she’d left Lotte after the best night of Lotte’s life, left her behind and left her heartbroken. She thinks about the color wheel of Sasha Driesen, thinks of the sketch Sasha made for her that night she laid in Lotte’s bed, thinks of her hair when it wasn’t white but painted in shades of blue under the water of a swimming pool.</p><p>She tosses and turns, unable to sleep- but in a different way than the last few weeks, when nightmares of failed loves kept waking her up. Tonight, Lotte can’t help but repeat Nathan’s words to herself over and over again until they burn themselves into her brain in scorching red and orange.</p><p>
  <em> I know how she is when she’s interested in someone... </em>
</p><p>
  <em> ...He did fucked up shit to her... </em>
</p><p>
  <em> ...How she looks at you... </em>
</p><p>
  <em> ...I’ve got a bad feeling. </em>
</p><p>She can’t sleep. She can’t get her eyes to close, can’t get the dreams to come. All she think of are those horrible, haunting words.</p><p>Lotte finds herself at the kitchen table at 2 a.m., drinking a glass of water and praying that her lack of sleep won’t lead to a giant headache in the morning. Heartbreak’s done enough damage to her grades- a lack of sleep will even further damage the score on the biology test she has tomorrow.</p><p>Someone else is awake, though. Milan enters the kitchen only a few minutes after Lotte's sat down and joins her at the table after he pours himself his own cup of water.</p><p>“So, how’s it going with your girl?” Milan asks, tentatively, and he’s the only person Lotte’s come out to so far save maybe, kind of Nathan earlier today.</p><p>She snorts, too sleep deprived to think of providing a coherent answer. “How do you think?”</p><p>“Well, when I met her, she seemed perfectly concerned about you, even if our meeting was rather brief.</p><p>Wait a minute. Hold up. “When <em> you </em>met her?”</p><p>Milan’s brow furrows. “Didn’t she tell you? It was the day after she slept over with you.” He waggles his eyebrows at Lotte in a rather teasing fashion that would be reassuring any day except for this. Then he continues with: “I told her about your parents and why you were living here. She didn’t know why you were visiting your mom. After she heard, she said that she was going to text you to meet up some other time.” His expression shifts into concern as he takes in what Lotte is sure is an expression of utter shock on her face. “Wait, did she not text you?”</p><p>But Lotte’s mind is whirring too fast to answer. Did Sasha leave Lotte because of her <em> mother</em>? Did she think that Lotte was horrible for leaving her mother behind and deciding to live in the flat for the sake of her own sanity?</p><p>Lotte’s thoughts drift to her conversation with Nathan earlier today. <em>He did fucked up shit to her</em>, Nathan had said.</p><p>Oh, god. Did Sasha think that Lotte was somehow like Brian? That, to quote Nathan, she’d done “some fucked up shit?”</p><p>Is that why Sasha left her? Was it because she blamed her for not sticking around when her mother was suffering? Or could it, maybe, have been because Sasha judged Lotte's mom for having a mental illness?</p><p>Lotte can work with the first answer, no matter how much it may hurt her. She knows she can't work with the second. She can't be with someone who judges her mom for having a mental illness without knowing.</p><p>Lotte has to know which it is, whether the answer is something she can work with or something that will break her heart.</p><p>(Lotte ignores the voice in her head that tells her that either answer will break her heart, anyway. If Sasha was judging Lotte's mother <em>or</em> Sasha left her because Sasha was the one that got hurt- Lotte doesn't know if she can bear either answer.)</p><p>“I need to talk to her,” Lotte says, and Milan nods.</p><p>“It certainly seems like you should.”</p><p>Lotte stands up from the table, about to head to the door, and Milan catches her arm. Lotte gives him a look of betrayal, but he just gives her a sympathetic smile.</p><p>“It’s 2 in the morning, Lotte. You should probably try this afternoon, after school.”</p><p>“Or earlier,” Lotte says, “I can miss a block or two of school, easy. I’ve got the absences under check.”</p><p>Milan gives her a teasing smile. “Can your nerd status handle that?”</p><p>Lotte gives him a small, strained smile. “It’ll have to.”</p><p>His gaze flicks over hers for a moment before he nods. “Good luck with your lady, then.”</p><p>Something warms in her chest, filling in the hollow that’s been growing in her heart since she woke up without Sasha in bed with her. It feels good to have people on her side for once in her life. “Thanks.”</p><p>“No problem, kid.”</p><p>-</p><p>“I want an answer,” Lotte says in the courtyard of Sasha's art school, acting far more confident than she’s ever felt in her life, and Sasha looks at her, raising an eyebrow.</p><p>“An answer about what?” Sasha asks, voice dull, and Lotte notices the dark shadows under Sasha’s eyes, concealer not doing its job to cover them up.</p><p>“About you and Brian.” <em> About you and my Mom. </em></p><p>Lotte can see- now that she’s looking- the way that Sasha’s shoulders rise, the way she hunches in on herself. In shame, going by her expression, but shame over what, Lotte can't be sure.</p><p>“What about me and my boyfriend?” Sasha says, and fuck, Lotte hadn’t guessed just how much that would hurt to hear Sasha say after everything that they did a couple of weeks ago.</p><p>Lotte doesn’t think it would be a good idea to bring up Nathan and tell Sasha what he shared with her. That might just scare Sasha away, get her mad at Nathan for sharing her secrets. Lotte doesn't know- she thinks that Jens might do that if he finds out what she told Jana about him last year.</p><p>(Then again, Milan <em> did </em>tell Sasha about some of Lotte’s longest held secrets and Lotte's not mad at <em>him</em>, so there might be a chance. Who knows?)</p><p>“Did you ever really break up with him?” Lotte asks, and Sasha’s gaze darts back and forth as she calculates some total that Lotte, with all of her science skills, can’t begin to formulate.</p><p>“I did,” Sasha says in the end, something haunting her voice.</p><p>“Then why’d you go back to him?” Lotte asks, thinking about Nathan’s words. Thinking about <em> he did some fucked up things to her. </em> Thinking about the fact that she thinks she understands, kind of, because she didn’t want to leave her mom, but also doesn’t understand at the same time, because she <em> did </em>leave, in the end. Lotte escaped, when she realized that there was no way she could survive intact.</p><p>(Lotte has to wonder if that’s what Sasha can see when she looks at her. She has to wonder what made Sasha run after her conversation with Milan.</p><p>Lotte can’t tell Sasha what Milan told her. Not right now. She can’t give Sasha an excuse. If Sasha left Lotte because of her mother- whether because Sasha blamed Lotte or if she somehow judged Lotte’s mother for what she did- then she wants to know exactly what Sasha’s reason was.)</p><p>Sasha looks at Lotte. Really looks at her. Practically stares her down, gaze searching Lotte’s face, eyes that shine a light gray-green that Lotte can’t find anywhere else on the map of Sasha Driesen.</p><p>Add that to the color wheel of Sasha Driesen. Black, white, red, gold, pool-water blue, and the most beautiful pale green imaginable.</p><p>Sasha takes a step closer to Lotte, blonde braid swinging behind her head, the picture of perfection despite her clear exhaustion. “I went to him,” she says, all of a sudden voice as tired as her expression feels, “Because I’m toxic for you.”</p><p>Record scratch. Lotte’s eyes go wide. That- that’s not what she was expecting. Not at all. “Wait, <em> what</em>?”</p><p>Sasha gives her a smile that practically aches with Sasha’s exhaustion. “You left your mother because of her episodes. Because you were in a toxic environment and had to escape. And me- I’m toxic.”</p><p>She lets go of the strap of her bag and reaches out with her free hand, the one not holding her art portfolio, and reaches out to Lotte’s cheek, gaze as tender as ever despite the obvious exhaustion. Her fingers don’t reach Lotte’s face, though, instead dropping down to her side. “And I couldn’t let that happen to you. You don’t deserve to be ruined by me.”</p><p>And suddenly the horrible, nasty pieces all slide together. She didn't leave because she blamed Lotte or blamed Lotte's mother- she left because she (inexplicably) blamed herself- which Lotte, in a million years, never could imagine. Not Sasha, with her David Bowie music and infectious smile and desire to show Lotte the world.</p><p>“Sasha,” Lotte says, trying to make her voice as firm as possible. “I don’t know exactly what’s going on with you, but you could never be toxic.”</p><p>“You don’t know me,” Sasha says, tone sharp. “You don’t know what I’m capable of, what’s wrong with me-”</p><p>“The only thing you’ve done wrong so far,” Lotte says, stepping forward so that the toes of her sneakers are only a foot away from the toes of Sasha’s Doc Martens. “Is to go back to Brian. Nothing you’ve done with me has been wrong.”</p><p>Sasha’s eyes are swimming with tears, Lotte can see from this far away, even if none have fallen. Her hand is trembling against her portfolio and her other hand is shaking by her side as she says: "Trust me, Lotte, you don't know me-"</p><p>Fuck it. Fuck it all. Fuck Lotte's fears of being out. Fuck not being able to hold the girl she likes in the middle of public. Lotte steps forward, crossing the gap between them, and pulls Sasha into a half-hug, swinging her arm around her free shoulder. “You’re not wrong,” she says, “Nothing about you could possibly be wrong. Sasha- you touched me and I felt <em> right </em>for the first time in my life. Don’t you dare try to take that away from us.”</p><p>Sasha lets out a shuddering breath into the side of Lotte’s face and Lotte knows that she made the right decision as Sasha’s head falls forward into the crook between Lotte’s head and her shoulder, tucking itself in close. "I'm here," Lotte says, "I'm here for you."</p><p>“You know,” Sasha says, voice cracking as a tear drips down her cheek and onto Lotte’s face. Lotte doesn’t care, however. “Nathan texted me last night, saying that you’d be like this.”</p><p>“Like what?” Lotte says even as she presses a kiss to Sasha’s cheek, not letting go of holding her.</p><p>"You'd be good for me," Sasha whispers. "That you- that you'd come for me."</p><p>(<em>God</em>, Lotte thinks, <em>I’m going to have to write a thank-you card to Nathan Bauwens as soon as possible</em>.)</p><p>"I didn't text him back, though," Sasha mutters as if to herself. "I really should."</p><p>"Yeah, you probably should," Lotte says, a smile spreading across her lips. "But let's go home, now."</p><p>Sasha pulls away from Lotte slightly, looking her right in the eyes. "Are you sure?"</p><p>Lotte nods. "Of course." Her arm drops from Sasha's shoulders to her hand until their fingers entwine. "If you'd like to go home with me."</p><p>"I'd love to go home with you, Lotte Ijzermans," Sasha says, giving her a small smile, and Lotte grins right back.</p><p>"Then let me take you home, Sasha Driesen."</p><p>-</p><p>So here they are now, curled up in Lotte’s bed, Sasha’s white hair and black clothes and red lips and gold earrings and skin against Lotte’s sheets again. Sasha's Doc Martens, art portfolio, satchel, and jacket are on the floor by the end of the bed and her head is tucked into Lotte's chest as Lotte cards her fingers through Sasha's undone braid.</p><p>Sasha takes a deep, shuddering breath and Lotte just knows what the girl's about to do when she looks up from Lotte's chest, face screwed up like she's steeling herself to say something she'll regret.</p><p>"Listen, Lotte-" Sasha says, and Lotte just leans over and kisses her forehead. She refuses to let Sasha try to to convince herself that she's not wanted.</p><p>"I'm not leaving you," Lotte says, "And you're not leaving me. So don't you even dare try and convince me otherwise, alright? Just let me cuddle you until we fall asleep."</p><p>Sasha turns her head down, pressing her face into Lotte's chest, and her body starts to shake. Lotte's brow furrows for a moment before Sasha raises her head for a moment and Lotte sees that Sasha's just laughing. "Lotte," she says, and it's clear that she's still tired, that she's still not entirely back to normal from whatever happened over the past two weeks with Brian, but she's smiling and that's all Lotte can focus on right now. "You are absolutely amazing."</p><p>Lotte's cheeks warm. No one's ever called her "amazing" before.</p><p>As Sasha tucks her head back on Lotte's chest, her fingers reaching up to play with Lotte's necklace, Lotte can't stop smiling at the girl in her arms, the girl who broke her heart two weeks ago but also was the one who made it come alive in the first place.</p><p>-</p><p>When they wake up in the morning, Lotte turns over to look at Sasha, curled up in bed next to her, looking far more peaceful than she did in the courtyard last night.</p><p>Things have gone so fast for the two of them, a whirlwind of color and light and emotions, going skinny dipping and kissing all night long and then breaking up momentarily before coming to last night, when Sasha and her had collapsed back into bed together. It's barely given Lotte a moment to take in the moment and soak it all in, to let the colors settle into the world and illuminate the soft things.</p><p>Right now, in this light, with her usual braid undone and her hair spooling out like a halo across the pillow, she looks impossibly young. Far younger than the woman in art school, far younger than the confident girl who ruled the paint ball field and biked across Antwerp just to take a girl skinny dipping in a pool she didn't own. This girl is the one who lip syncs to David Bowie and cooks croques with laughter and barrels through a grocery store on a cart, like a little kid in a candy store. This girl is the version of Sasha that Lotte got for small moments that first week, moments with Sasha unrestrained and unguarded- a Sasha that Lotte thinks she'll get to a see a lot more of in the coming weeks.</p><p>"So," Lotte says as Sasha blinks awake, "You never did give me that David Bowie exam."</p><p>Sasha smiles at her, eyes half-lidded with sleep. "You still want to take it?"</p><p>Lotte nods. "Pretty sure I could pass it," she says, brushing a loose hair back behind Sasha's ear.</p><p>Sasha arches an eyebrow even as she reaches forward and brushes a loose hair from <em>Lotte's</em> forehead. The touch to Lotte's temple is so gentle, so tender, unlike anything that Lotte's ever felt before. "You sure about that?"</p><p>Lotte can't help but give her smug smile in return. "Yeah, I'm sure."</p><p>"I don't know," Sasha says, tone as teasing as the night they kissed. The shadows are still there under her eyes, but they're smaller. She clearly slept more last night than she has in the past few weeks- a fact that Lotte takes great comfort and pride in. "I think you might have to bribe the teacher."</p><p>"Now that," Lotte says, leaning in for a kiss, "I'm totally willing to do."</p><p>Sasha lets out a soft laugh as they kiss and in this moment, with Sasha's pale green eyes staring at her, with Sasha having the energy to flip Lotte over just enough so that Sasha's leaning down and kissing Lotte from above, Lotte falls in love all over again.</p><p>-</p><p>Things start to fall into place after that. Sasha is still pretty exhausted for the rest of today, but the day after that she's basically back to her normal self, all confident smiles and cool one-liners and constant kisses for Lotte- none of which Lotte protests.</p><p>Lotte still doesn’t know what Sasha’s big hang-up is, the thing that causes her to believe that she’s toxic, but she’s pretty sure that it’s whatever Brian did to mess with her head. That's why she's so happy that by the time she comes home from school, Sasha has broken up with Brian and has plans to meet up with Nathan for lunch. She even shows Lotte the texts with a wide smile before pulling her in for a kiss, her fingers going to the base of Lotte's hair, her lips smiling against Lotte's.</p><p>"I'm not leaving you again," Sasha promises, and Lotte believes her.</p><p>Lotte knows they can make it through. She does. Lotte's willing to wait until Sasha feels comfortable enough to tell Lotte about whatever's going on that had her convinced that she was toxic. She's willing to wait, knowing that Sasha cares about her, that Sasha’s in a relationship with her and her only. For now that’s all the comfort she needs.</p><p>Sasha, after all, is waiting for Lotte, too. Sasha isn’t pressuring her to come out about their relationship, is happy to keep the in-the-know to just Nathan, Milan, Zoe and Senne (who accidentally walked in on Sasha and Lotte making out in the kitchen once). She's respecting Lotte's boundaries just as Lotte is respecting hers.</p><p>Lotte curls up with Sasha in her bed, Sasha's white-blonde hair entangled with her own dark hair, and she can't stop smiling at this girl that she's already head-over-heels for.</p><p>-</p><p>For lunch, Lotte sits down with Jens and Moyo and Aaron at their usual table.</p><p>"You seem a lot happier, Lotte," Jens says after she, Moyo, and Jens have teased Aaron about Amber for long enough. She's all too happy to nod, because she definitely is.</p><p>"Yeah," Moyo says with a laugh, "Got a new boyfriend?"</p><p>Lotte takes a deep breath, setting down her sandwich. "No," she says, "I've got a girlfriend."</p><p>"Oh, you got a friend other than us?" Aaron says, "That's really nice. Can we meet her? I'm betting that Moyo could use a-"</p><p>"No," Jens says, looking Lotte straight in the eye, "Not like that, you idiot."</p><p>"Not like what?" Aaron says, brow furrowing, but Lotte knows that Jens has finally picked up on it. (Or maybe, just maybe, her best friend's known for a decent while, though she's not sure why he wouldn't have said anything until now.)</p><p>"She meant girlfriend as in a girl she's <em>dating</em>, you idiot," Jens corrects Aaron, "Not a girl for us to hit on." </p><p>"Oh," Aaron says, brow somehow furrowing even deeper. "That's nice." He still seems confused, but Lotte's never known Aaron to ever <em>not</em> be at least a little bit confused by something.</p><p>Lotte looks to Moyo, who she knows will be the wildcard in his response. He's never been wildly homophobic to her in the past, but she's witnessed him whistling at girls making out with each other at parties. She doesn't know whether he'll objectify her, whether he'll suddenly treat her differently, whether she'll no longer be "just one of the guys."</p><p>"You got a girlfriend?" He asks, expression indecipherable, and she nods.</p><p>"Sasha Driesen," she says, and Jens nearly snorts out his drink.</p><p>"Wait a moment," he says, "Sasha Driesen? As in the girl who's dating my ex girlfriend's older brother? The one we all met at the beach cabin?"</p><p>"Nice of you to remember," Lotte says with a small smile to her best friend even as she braces herself for Moyo to say something worse.</p><p>Instead, though, he just asks: "She make you happy, Lotte?" When Lotte nods, Moyo smiles. "Then congrats, dude."</p><p>Lotte's face splits into a wide smile, relief loosening the knot in her stomach. "Thanks, man."</p><p>Moyo then turns to Aaron. "Now even Lotte gets more action with women than you do, bro. You need to step up your game real quick."</p><p>As Aaron protests, Lotte picks her sandwich back up, joy blooming in her chest. She still has her boys, as stupid and foolish and girl-crazy as they are. Her friends didn't judge her- they still see her as the same stoner, skater girl as before.</p><p>-</p><p>All in all, things are working out better than they have in ages. Lotte's sleeping better (sleeping <em>best</em> on the nights that Lotte stays over), has a girlfriend she loves, is out to her friends and flatmates, and, on top of all of this, she just got a call saying her mother is doing better and will be up for visitors by Christmas.</p><p>(Lotte is hoping and praying to a god that she doesn't believe in that when she asks Sasha to go with her to see her mother, Sasha will be up for it. She'll get to see Griet Ijzermans in a whole new light and hopefully set aside any fears that Sasha may have of Lotte herself.)</p><p>As for before Christmas plans- well, next week Lotte has exams (and Sasha's been a surprising help with studying), but this week Sasha’s presenting art at her school, and she’s invited Lotte to the showcase on Friday. Their first official date, actually, and Thursday Zoe has actually agreed to take her (or, more accurately, bullied Lotte into letting her) shopping for a new outfit. (Zoe and Milan had point-blank told Lotte that they were not, under any circumstances, letting her go to Sasha's art showcase without dressing up.)</p><p>Despite having to dress up, Lotte can't wait for her first official date. She's actually kind of enjoying (and honestly heartwarmed by) the amount of effort everyone's putting into helping her- and, of course, she can't deny that she loves the fact that Sasha's insisting on taking photos of her in whatever outfit Zoe helps her pick out. Sasha keeps doing things like that- calling Lotte her muse, taking photos of her, insisting on sketching her. (This Saturday Nathan and Sasha are going out to spray paint and Lotte's all too happy to let Sasha drag her along since Nathan and her have pretty decently cleared things between the two of them.)</p><p>Lotte doesn't think she's ever been happier in her life.</p><p>-</p><p>It’s that Wednesday that Brian shows up and everything nearly goes to shit.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Did I maybe give Moyo a nicer arc than the show did? Yes, yes I did, because making the lone MOC in the friend group have the only homophobic reaction to Lotte/Robbe isn't exactly the vibe I wanted to write into my fic, ya hear? He, in this fic at least, only has the general grossness levels of, say, Basile rather than the outright homophobia of canon. </p><p>Hope you all liked this chapter! Writing the reunion was not exactly where/how I planned it to take place when I first started writing this fic, but I like how it ended up! Also I'm just now realizing that it would have made a lot more sense to give Sasha the whole color wheel metaphor and give Lotte the fire/burning one but hey, choices were made and I like to think that the product was rather decent in the end- and besides, who doesn't enjoy Sasha's color palette?</p><p> </p><p>Also...hope y'all don't mind, but I've got a girl!Elu story in the works that is a hell of a lot more canon divergent than this one and also features a decently heavy amount of friendship between girl!Lucas, Imane, Alexia, and Yann because I'm kind of pissed at the Skam France writers right now and their treatment of female characters so there is also that to look forward to in addition to another chapter of this fic! (If that sounds good to y'all, feel free to leave a comment- I hope I'm not the only one who is excited about the idea!)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Sasha</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Songs for this chapter are "Leave Luanne" from 35 mm the musical, "Past Lives" by Borns, and "Ever Ever After" by Carrie Underwood.</p><p>Once again girl!Sobbe came and showed the #aesthetic to the max...do I have complaints? No. No I do not.</p><p>No hotel scene, sorry guys. Instead we get healthy communication and kissing scenes so...better, hopefully?</p><p>(Also this chapter was originally going to be a lot more focused on Sasha's bipolar disorder but then I remembered that WTFock never really talked about how emotionally abusive Sander and Britt's relationship was, far more than the other Sonja and Evens', and I started writing about Sasha and Brian's and things just...expanded. This chapter is still about her bipolar disorder, don't worry, but there is heavy discussion of emotional/physical abuse as well, if that's a trigger for anyone.)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Being with Lotte is easy- perhaps easier than anything in the world, honestly. To spend time with Lotte, to draw her and take photos of her, to kiss her like the world has never burned, to cuddle with her and compliment her- it comes to Sasha like second nature.</p><p>But the thing is: being with Brian was easy, too. It was easy to just let herself get swept up in him at first, in the way he flirted with her at her art show last school year, in the way he'd complimented her photos and sketches, at the way he'd taken her on dates and seemed interested in her work and kissed her like the world was on fire and she was the oxygen that would keep her alive.</p><p>And then she'd gotten diagnosed, and it was still easy, after that. She had Brian to watch out for her. To make sure that her mania wasn't taking her too far. And that- that was appreciated. That was something she was so thankful for. It made her life easier, to know their was always someone watching out for her.</p><p>But the things was that being with him was also so, so exhausting. Being constantly monitored, constantly judged, constantly evaluated as to whether she'd gone "crazy" or not.</p><p>She'd broken up once with Brian before Lotte was even a glimmer in Sasha's lovestruck eye. It had been in the middle of a manic episode. She'd kissed a classmate of Nathan's, a boy with glasses and warm brown eyes and a love for David Bowie, and she'd left Brian as a result of the high and the feeling of freedom.</p><p>She doesn't like to think about how Brian had responded. About how he'd gotten paranoid about her hanging out with any boys other than him after that. About what he'd said about her best friend, about how he'd accused her of wanting to cheat on him with Nathan-</p><p>The shouting match she and Brian had had about him wanting her to get rid of Nathan as a friend was the most she'd ever stood up to him. She'd gotten to keep Nathan. Sure, he was the only person or thing she'd ever kept when Brian had made demands, but she'd still gotten to hang out with him with only muttered complaints from Brian after that.</p><p>(Sasha never came out to Brian as bi. She'd never admitted that she was interested in girls. If he was this paranoid over boys, over her best friend, then how the hell would he respond if she said she was also into girls? Would she get to have any friends at all after that? Would he ever let her go out on her own if he was paranoid that she might go manic and kiss anyone in the world?)</p><p>As a result of all of that, Sasha was often the victim of Nathan's sympathetic gaze. He never pushed her about Brian, just dropped comments every so often, snarky digs at Brian that at times almost verged into asking her to leave Brian.</p><p>(He doesn't do that with Lotte, despite the messy way their relationship ended. He smiles at her when she talks about Lotte, encourages her dating Lotte, has even dropped a compliment or two about how Lotte treats her. Nathan and Lotte will never be best friends, Sasha knows, but they don't have to be. They're already light years beyond Brian and Nathan, after all.)</p><p>Now, though, that she's with Lotte, who doesn't care about Nathan, who has never once told Sasha not to hang out with her other friends, Sasha wonders how she survived her relationship with Brian.</p><p>Brian was exhausting. He was draining. He felt like a constant low-strength depressive episode, leaching the life from her.</p><p>Lotte's not like that. Lotte smiles whenever Sasha talks about Bowie or sketches her while she's studying. Lotte's kind and wonderful and everything that Brian could never be, and she's slowly teaching Sasha that she deserves far better than Brian ever gave her.</p><p>(Now that Sasha knows just how good things can be, she often wonders why she stayed with Brian, why she let him treat her like that, why she let him hurt her. The good times were good, yeah, but the bad times- and so much of the time was bad- hurt far worse than the good times ever healed.)</p><p>Needless to say, Sasha would be content never to see Brian again- which is, of course, why Brian shows up outside of Sasha's school one afternoon when Sasha's stopped to text Lotte before heading home. Tomorrow night Zoe, Milan, and Lotte are going shopping for the art show Friday night, so tonight Lotte's taking the opportunity to study like the glorious nerd she is, behind all of that skater girl grunge. Therefore, Sasha's not going to be heading to the flat tonight, instead heading home so she doesn't distract her girlfriend- though, of course, she'll be texting Lotte plenty tonight.</p><p>Which is why all Sasha can think as Brian's hand swings up and over, slapping her across the face, is that she's happy that Lotte's not here to see this. She's happy that Lotte doesn't have to see the way that Brian used to treat her on a semi-regular basis, doesn't have to witness the violence.</p><p>"What the fuck were you thinking, breaking up with me?" Brian says, lips twisted into the ugliest of expressions as Sasha raises a hand to her cheek, where pain is searing through the tissue, crackling across her flesh.</p><p><em>Saving myself, </em>Sasha thinks but doesn't say, because she's paralyzed in a way she hasn't been in months.</p><p>The thing is- despite her decent height, Sasha's still a lot smaller than Brian. Her wrists are thinner than his thick ones, she doesn't work out like he does, she never really learned how to physically defend herself.</p><p>If they had a fight, Brian could easily overpower her physically. He could easy beat her.</p><p>(And Sasha- she knows that he's psychologically capable of that. She spent nearly a year in fear of him and how he might react to her thoughts and actions and words. She's genuinely afraid of what he might do if she tries to defend herself.)</p><p>"What the actual fuck are you doing here, Ingelbrecht?" Nathan shouts, and Sasha turns, hand still held to her cheek, to find her best friend running up behind her.</p><p>But Brian just ignores Nathan, looking to Sasha instead. "Brought along your pansy of a friend to protect you, Sash?" Brian says, and the words burn coming from his mouth. He has no right to call her by that nickname anymore- and no right to call Nathan that, either, but he never really had that right in the first place.</p><p>"Get away from me, Brian," Sasha spits, the presence of her best friend giving her some measure of confidence. Brian never once hit her in front of Nathan, and she doesn't think (at lease she's praying that he won't) he'll do it this time.</p><p>"I'm betting you haven't even told that bitch about your fucked up brain, Sash," Brian says, "She'll dump your ass when she finds out. You know I'm the only person who could love you when you're manic."</p><p>"Shut the fuck up, Ingelbrecht," Nathan says, moving forward as if to push him away from her, and Sasha's hand darts up to grab his wrist. She doesn't want Nathan to get in trouble by fighting Brian. "Lotte loves Sasha, unlike your sorry ass."</p><p>(And despite her doubts as to whether or not Lotte will love her after she finds out about Sasha's mind, she at least knows that Nathan will still care about her. He's been here the entire time, since before her diagnosis, and stayed afterward, too, without judgement.)</p><p>"Just wait, Sash," Brian says, "You'll come crawling back to me on your knees, just watch." Then he throws one last nasty look in her direction before he turns and storms away, leaving Nathan to glare at him for a moment longer before turning back to her.</p><p>"Fuck me, Sasha," he says, voice low and tender as he leans in to look at her cheek, his septum ring flashing. "He really got you." He leans back a little. "God, I'm so glad you left him."</p><p>"Not the first time," Sasha mutters quietly as she begins to head off in the opposite direction of Brian, begging her eyes not to burn with tears as she tries not to process the fact that despite how safe she's been feeling with Lotte, Brian still managed to hurt her. He still managed to hit her.</p><p>She's fine. She can make it to Lotte's house. She can make it until she's with Lotte and she can just forget everything that happened.</p><p>"Not the first time <em>what</em>?" Nathan asks, voice low and concerned and almost horrified as he follows her down the sidewalk and away from their school, and Sasha just swallows.</p><p>"Let's talk about it later. Can we just...go to Lotte's house?"</p><p>Nathan pauses, as if he wants to say something, but instead nods. "Of course," he says, "Whatever makes you feel safe."</p><p>-</p><p>"Oh my god, Sasha," is Milan's first reaction when he opens the door, concerned gaze dropping to the bruise she's sure is blooming on her cheek- or, at least, the handprint that's already there. "What happened?"</p><p>"She insisted on coming here without getting any ice first," Nathan says, tone apologetic, and Sasha flicks a glare in his direction. Nathan just shrugs as if to say <em>you were asking for it, Sasha. </em>"Took some Tylenol on the bus, though, so at least there's that."</p><p>"My mom lives across town," Sasha says with the smallest of shrugs, trying not to aggravate her cheek further. "You guys were closer."</p><p>Nathan sighs. "And she wanted her girlfriend."</p><p>"And I wanted to see my girlfriend," Sasha agrees, thanking her lucky stars that Nathan has never resented her for the whole falling-in-love-with-her-best-friend's-girlfriend thing.</p><p>Milan's eyes are still wide with concern, but he does nod and pull the door back to let them in. "C'mon in, kids," he says, "Lotte's in her room studying, but we're going to take a trip to the kitchen to get ice before any visiting can be done."</p><p>Sasha, whose cheek is seriously throbbing by this point, can't help but agree with that one no matter how much she may want to see her girlfriend. She follows Milan forward, Nathan right behind her. Both her and Nathan toe off their shoes by the door, her Doc Martens next to his, and hang up their jackets where Milan directs, leaving Sasha in just a black turtleneck and a pair of dark wash skinny jeans.</p><p>Senne's in the kitchen, leaning up against the counter, and his eyes go wide when he sees her. "You get into a fight, Sasha?" he asks.</p><p>"You should see the other guy," she jokes, nearly biting her tongue as she almost wishes that she <em>had</em> fought back. Maybe not today, maybe not physically- Brian had a good six inches and twenty pounds of muscle on her- but at some point during their relationship. She should have stood up for herself when Brian had told her not to.</p><p>(She has a lot of regrets about that relationship- the beginning, the ending, and the middle- and she can't really get through any of them, not when the bruise is throbbing on her cheek.)</p><p>Milan offers her a pack of frozen peas from the fridge, wrapped in a kitchen towel, and she holds it to her cheek for a couple of minutes as Senne and Milan introduce themselves to Nathan and vice versa. From the number of nights Sasha spent here last week, she knows a decent amount about Senne, Milan, and Zoe, and them her; Nathan, despite dating Lotte for a decent three-four weeks, never actually met any of Lotte's flatmates, and thus is using this opportunity to do so. It's not as awkward as it could be, considering the weird dating history bound up in this room (which honestly makes her wonder if Senne and Milan <em>know</em> that Nathan is Lotte's ex, but that's neither here nor there). The three of them get to talking about college life, since Senne is her and Nathan's age and Milan is just two years older than them, and for a few minutes Sasha lets herself relax.</p><p>But then Lotte, unfortunately, enters the kitchen without warning, and Sasha only gets a moment to enjoy the sight of her girlfriend tucked into one of her delightfully oversized hoodies, hair pulled up into those two space buns that she always puts it in to study, before Lotte's eyes go wide in horror and she rushes forward. "Sasha," she says, hand going to Sasha's cheek before letting her hand fall before touching the bag of peas in Sasha's hand. "What happened?"</p><p>"Brian," Nathan says before Sasha gets the chance to say a word, "That's what happened."</p><p>Sasha sends him a glare for once again spilling her business before she had the chance to tell Lotte, but when she looks back any anger crumbles under Lotte's sympathetic gaze, guilt replacing the frustration in the pit in her stomach. She doesn't want to worry Lotte, doesn't want to give her girlfriend any stress when she's supposed to be busy studying for exams.</p><p>"Brian?" Senne asks, and Sasha nods.</p><p>"My ex," she says with a shamed wince, and Lotte's hand goes to Sasha's shoulder and rubs in reassurance.</p><p>"Was it the first time he did something like this?" Milan asks, voice quiet, and Sasha swallows. She doesn't want to tell Lotte. She doesn't want to see the look on Lotte's face when she admits what she let Brian do to her.</p><p>And in this case, she doesn't have Nathan to spill the beans for her like he just did about this afternoon. Over the course of her and Brian's relationship, Sasha hid the physical shit from Nathan. He saw the stuff Brian said to her in public, the put-downs and comments about her getting "too excited" or "acting crazy," but not the occasional slap or hit that took place behind closed doors. Those days- the worst days- Sasha just wore long-sleeved shirts and concealer and called it a day.</p><p>(It's not just Lotte who Sasha doesn't want to tell, doesn't want to see the hurt on her face- it's also Nathan, Sasha's best friend, who despite the fact that Sasha actively hid the truth from him will still feel guilty over what happened.)</p><p>But the thing is, she'll have to tell. She has to be honest, she knows this. She knows, from the conversation the date they reunited, that Lotte won't judge her for what happened in her relationship with Brian. She knows that Nathan won't judge her- he'll only be sympathetic for her.</p><p>"No," Sasha says, and Nathan's expression goes tight while Lotte just continues to rub at Sasha's shoulder.</p><p>"You've got to go to the police about this, Sasha," Senne says, and Sasha looks from Nathan and Lotte, taking in their expressions. Nathan is nodding, expression in total agreement with Senne, while Lotte looks at her, trust in her eyes, like she's just waiting to hear Sasha's opinion on things.</p><p>The idea, though- it makes the air catch in Sasha's throat. It makes her nervous. What if they don't believe her and Brian goes free?</p><p>She only has evidence of today's hit- she doesn't have evidence of previous physical encounters. Victims of bad relationships like hers- they don't normally get believed, especially without physical evidence to back them up.</p><p>(And, of course, if her bipolar gets brought up- how much will people doubt her, then? Will her having bipolar allow people to question her statement, get people to think that she's just exaggerating and that Brian is the one who should be trusted?)</p><p>"I'll think about it," Sasha ends up saying quietly, still looking into Lotte's sympathetic gaze.</p><p>"If you want, you can deal with it tomorrow," Milan jumps in, "Go give your statement then. For now, though, you can just spend some time here at home with us."</p><p><em>At home with us- </em>it's such an easy suggestion to take up- an opinion Lotte seems to share. "Sasha and I are going to go talk before dinner," she says, grasping onto Sasha's turtleneck sleeve and tugging gently to pull her along to her room.</p><p>"Sorry, guys," Sasha says, "I'm being summoned." She holds out the bag of peas to Milan. "Thank you for the ice, Milan," she says, and he winks at her.</p><p>"Any time, kid, don't worry."</p><p>And, looking into Milan's eyes, thinking about how calm and comforting he was like last week when she was staying here nearly every night, she believes him.</p><p>Then Milan's smile curls a little, going a bit crooked. "And in the meantime, Nathan can hang out in the kitchen with me and Senne if he wants."</p><p>Nathan's eyes go wide as Sasha and Lotte exit the room but Sasha is more than happy to leave her best friend with Senne and Milan, who she trusts enough not to utterly traumatize him for life.</p><p>"Listen," Sasha says as they enter Lotte's room and she sits down on the edge of Lotte's bed. "I'm sorry for interrupting your study session."</p><p>Lotte shakes her head, buns bouncing. "There's nothing to feel sorry for." And then, as if to prove her point, she moves between Sasha's legs until she's nearly sitting in her lap. She then reaches her hand up to Sasha's face. "You can't blame yourself for your ex being a dick."</p><p><em>I really could</em>, Sasha could say, but doesn't, instead looking up into Lotte's eyes.</p><p>"But I should have known that he would pull a move like this," Sasha says, gesturing to her cheek. "He's not exactly someone to let things lie."</p><p>Lotte's gaze goes sad for a moment and Sasha curses herself for causing such an expression on Lotte's face. Lotte isn't supposed to be sad.</p><p>But then Lotte reaches out a hand to Sasha's cheek, fingers gently examining the skin around the bruise. "You know," she says, "This just adds to your color wheel."</p><p>The comment is so random it startles a laugh out of Sasha. "It adds to my what?"</p><p>"Your color wheel," Lotte says, fingers ghosting over Sasha's cheek in a way that makes the breath catch in her lungs. "When I first met you, you were just red, gold, white, and black. Then you added blue the night we were in the pool, then I noticed just how green your eyes were and I added another. When this bruise heals, there will be purple and yellow, too. Not your usual golden skin, but until then, well-" She shrugs and leans forward to press a tender kiss to the skin beneath the bruise. "You're beautiful, no matter what that asshole did to you."</p><p>Sasha didn't think she could fall more in love. She really didn't. She didn't think that there was a possible way for Lotte Ijzermans to somehow feel more cherished than the day she told Sasha that she wasn't toxic and offered to take her home.</p><p>But then Lotte just had to be her wonderful, beautiful self and prove her wrong in that quiet, impossible way of hers.</p><p>"And you say <em>I'm</em> the artist in the relationship?"</p><p>Lotte nods, free hand playing with the end of Sasha's braid. "I just notice things. You create them."</p><p>Creation- such a difference from destruction. Such a difference from ruin. A thing that, in the middle of her depressive episodes- or just when she was with Brian- she was convinced that she was incapable.</p><p>Lotte, though- Lotte looks at Sasha and that's all she sees. The artist. The creator.</p><p>
  <em>You touched me and I felt right for the first time in my life.</em>
</p><p>Sasha moves quickly, flipping Lotte over and onto the bed, moving them both in a fluid motion that leaves her nearly straddling Lotte on the bed, both of their chests heaving slightly with the motion.</p><p>Lotte's eyes instantly jerk to the bruise on Sasha's cheek. "Did that hurt?" she asks, not hurrying to leave her spot under Sasha's arms, and Sasha can't believe just how lucky she is to have Lotte, who is so concerned over her. She can't remember the last time that Brian was concerned about an injury that he didn't cause.</p><p>"I'm wonderful," Sasha says, then leans in and presses her mouth to Lotte's, gently pulling at Lotte's lips with hers. "I could never be anything but when I'm with you."</p><p>Lotte looks up at her, eyes half-lidded with desire, and warmth gathers in Sasha's stomach at the way that Lotte's desirous gaze burns into her. Lotte's eyes fall shut as Sasha dives in for another kiss, and then another, and then she lifts her head from Lotte's and Lotte's lips chase breathlessly after hers, capturing Sasha in hers again.</p><p>"You two good?" Milan shouts after they've been kissing for at least ten minutes, and Sasha raises her mouth from Lotte's, leaving Lotte to let out a small giggle beneath her. "We've having Indian food and Nathan can't stay too much longer."</p><p>Shit, Nathan's still here? He didn't leave when Lotte gently pulled Sasha into her room? Sasha didn't expect her best friend to actually wait and keep talking to Senne and Milan for what feels is at least half an hour so far.</p><p>"Guess we've gotta go have dinner," Sasha says, moving over and off of Lotte, who just pouts at her.</p><p>"Can't we just stay here?"</p><p>Sasha grins. "We can always come back here after we've had dinner and saved Nathan from your flatmates."</p><p>Lotte's face lights up. "Deal," she says, reaching up to pat her buns, which a few strands of hair have fallen out of but are still remarkably intact. "Alright, all good," she says with a shrug, sitting up and smiling at Sasha. "Time for dinner?"</p><p>"Time for dinner," Sasha says, staring at her adorable girlfriend, who makes it so hard not to lean in and kiss her.</p><p>So Sasha does, stealing one last kiss before they have to head out to the kitchen- a kiss that Lotte reciprocates with the loveliest of smiles.</p><p>-</p><p>On Thursday afternoon, while Lotte is going shopping with Milan and Zoe, Sasha, Nathan, and Senne go to the police station to give a witness statement regarding Brian Ingelbrecht.</p><p>"You're doing the right thing, Sasha," Nathan says, running a comforting thumb over Sasha's knuckles as they sit there, and she's immeasurably thankful for him being him. He's her best friend. He's been there through everything, been an ear to talk to and a shoulder to lean on.</p><p>Senne nods. "I know this isn't easy," he says, "But what you're doing is so worth it, no matter how difficult it is. Trust me."</p><p>The tone of Senne's voice speaks to experience, like he knows what this experience is like, and Sasha's brow furrows in thought as she looks at him.</p><p>"What happened with you?" Sasha asks, and Senne raises an eyebrow.</p><p>"What do you mean, what happened to me?"</p><p>"When did you have to go to the police before?"</p><p>Senne swallows. "It wasn't me who had to go," he says, voice quiet and serious in a way she hasn't yet heard it. "It was Zoe. Something happened to her last year, kind of like what happened to you, and she had to go to the police about what happened to her." His expression goes thoughtful for a moment before he adds: "You should talk to Zoe, if you want someone who understands. What happened to her wasn't the same, but I think she'd be a good ear if you need someone to listen."</p><p>Something aches in Sasha's chest at the idea that someone hurt Zoe like Brian hurt Sasha, took advantage of Zoe and hurt her like Brian did. Zoe's a good, kind person- she doesn't deserve to get hurt like that.</p><p>(It means something that Sasha can't put into words, the fact that people like Senne and Zoe and Milan all care about her.</p><p>For years, the only really good friend Sasha's had has been Nathan. And she's had Lotte for a couple of months, now, too, but Zoe and Senne and Milan- they're friends with no romantic obligations to her.)</p><p>Then the police officer calls her name, just like the nurses do at the doctor's office, and Sasha stands up.</p><p>"You all good, Sasha?" Nathan asks, tone as sympathetic as always, and she nods.</p><p>"I can do this," she says, taking a deep breath, because she can.</p><p>-</p><p>After she finishes making her witness statement, she says goodbye to Senne, who has to head to work, and Nathan, who's heading back to his, Sasha, and their flatmates Griet and Kobe's apartment for dinner. She, on the other hand, heads back to the flat, hopefully to catch Lotte at a study break- and to talk to Zoe.</p><p>On her bus ride home, Sasha feels a sense of relief in her chest from finally telling somebody- even just some random police officer- about everything. About Brian manipulating and controlling her, about his physical abuse, about everything that went on in their relationship. It's a sense of relief that she wants to talk about with Zoe, someone who she thinks understands what she just did.</p><p>Sasha gets back to the flat after Zoe, Milan, and Lotte have gotten back from shopping. Lotte's in her room, studying, while Milan is off doing...well, something. Sasha can't be sure, but the point is that he's not in the kitchen with Zoe. Zoe, who's in the kitchen making something a sandwich to eat and Sasha pauses there, screwing up the courage to ask Zoe about what Senne had mentioned earlier.</p><p>"Hey, uh, Zoe," Sasha says, and Zoe turns to look at her, raising an eyebrow.</p><p>"Yeah, Sasha?" she asks, eyes and smile guileless to the question Sasha had wanted to ask her, and for a moment Sasha's words catch in her throat. She doesn't want to ruin the happiness on Zoe's face. She doesn't want to crush the smile of such a nice girl.</p><p>"Um, Senne suggested I talk to you. About what happened to me with Brian. He said that you might be a good person to talk to."</p><p>Zoe's expression shifts- not crumpling or falling, but more just going a bit serious. "He's right," Zoe says, "I don't generally like talking about what happened, but after what you went through- I don't think I'd mind." She gestures to a seat at the table. "Want to sit down and talk about it?"</p><p>Sasha nods. "Sounds nice," she says, and she doesn't think she's lying.</p><p>-</p><p>Lotte reenters the kitchen after an hour of studying to find Zoe and Sasha sitting together, laughing over a story had been telling Sasha about Senne and Milan. Sasha's jacket is draped over the back of her chair and there's a mug of tea between her hands and she feels comfortable and safe and accepted here in a way that she never really has.</p><p>Lotte smiles softly, steps forward, and kisses Sasha on the cheek. "Nice of you to stop by," Lotte says as she steps aside to grab a glass of water.</p><p>"How could I resist?" Sasha says, "I wanted to see you and Zoe."</p><p>Lotte raises an eyebrow at Zoe. "Trying to steal my girlfriend, Zoe?"</p><p>Zoe laughs. "Nah," she says, "We were just talking about you and Senne." She winks at Sasha. "You've got the better partner, Lotte. Senne couldn't possibly match up."</p><p>"How couldn't I possibly match up?" Senne asks from the doorway.</p><p>Lotte's nice enough to say, a bit of a smug smile on her lips: "Zoe was just saying that I had the better partner."</p><p>Senne raises an eyebrow at Zoe. "You like Zoe better than me?" he asks, smile teasing, and Zoe shakes her head.</p><p>While Zoe stands to go kiss her boyfriend, Sasha turns to Lotte, who slides into the seat next to her with her water in hand. "Can I see what you bought to wear tomorrow?"</p><p>Lotte shakes her head. "You'll get to see it tomorrow, on our date." The word 'date' slips from her lips with a breathless smile that reminds Sasha that Lotte is just as excited about their relationship as Sasha herself is.</p><p>"Can't wait," Sasha says with the same breathless smile as Lotte before leaning in to kiss her girlfriend's smiling lips.</p><p>-</p><p>Sasha has to admit that she spends far too much time staring at Lotte during the art show. Lotte, whose hair is up in space buns, her golden necklace shining above the neckline of a long-sleeved dark blue dress that's simple enough to fit her style but still showing far more of her shape than her baggy t-shirts and jeans ever did.</p><p>Sasha is lucky enough to have a girlfriend that is gorgeous no matter she wears, that exudes light and softness and a sort of chill charm wherever she goes. Since the afternoon that Lotte showed up at school, she's been unable to stop thanking her lucky stars that out of all the girls in the world Lotte chose to fall in love, Sasha was the lucky recipient.</p><p>Said girlfriend, though, has paused in front of a particular image of Sasha's, her brow furrowed in curiosity as she looks it up and down- and Sasha's heart goes into her throat when she realizes exactly which photo has caught Lotte's attention.</p><p>"Do you know why I made that one?" Sasha asks as she gestures to the photo that Lotte is stopped in front of, the one that seems to have captivated her attention. It's a little bit of an newer one, Sasha's face distorted and overlaid with green and red stripes that bury her image and trap her. It somehow manages to feel like both depression and mania in one image, showing how both states keep her captive with the way they warp her mind.</p><p>Lotte looks over at Sasha and for a moment, she finds it hard to think when faced with the way Lotte looks at her. Lotte still stares at Sasha like she's the sun despite the bruise only half-concealed under a layer of makeup, despite all the shit they went to in order to get together.</p><p>"I could guess," Lotte says, "But I'd rather hear how you have to feel."</p><p>Sasha doesn't know how Lotte always seems to know exactly what to say, how to make Sasha feel comfortable no matter what. Asking Sasha how <em>she</em> feels, not just telling her- it's something that Brian never did.</p><p>At the end of the day, despite the fear that Lotte will leave Sasha once she finds out just how toxic she truly is, the confession slips out as easy as anything else does around Lotte: "I'm bipolar."</p><p>Sasha waits a reckless, breathless moment for Lotte to respond. She watches as Lotte's expression flickers for just a moment, sorting through various emotions and reactions, before her gaze goes tender.</p><p>"That's why you left, right?"</p><p>The question is soft and the tone understanding, sympathy clear in every syllable. It's a reaction that Sasha wasn't expecting but really should have, knowing just how understanding Lotte has been the whole time.</p><p>So Sasha nods. "After I found out about your mother, well..." She doesn't have to explain everything, all of Brian's comments about her mania, all of her own beliefs about her toxicity, about how much it had hurt to not go back to Lotte that afternoon, about how she'd lost her heart for two weeks until Lotte had returned it to her.</p><p>"You know that you having bipolar doesn't make a difference to me, right?" Lotte says, and Sasha wants to say <em>yes</em>. She knows she should say <em>yes</em>. She knows that Lotte thinks it's <em>yes</em>.</p><p>But a last set of doubts plagues her. "You've never seen me in a manic phase," Sasha says. "You've never seen me when I get obsessed with a new fixation, when I go manic, when I-"</p><p>Then, voice still soft, Lotte says: "But I've seen you in a depressive one, right?"</p><p>Sasha remembers the day that Lotte had arrived at school, the day when she'd spent the evening and night curled in her bed, barely able to motivate herself to move, and then the next day hadn't gone to school, instead sleeping nearly the entire day away in Lotte's bed save the twenty minutes she'd managed to summon some energy to joke with Lotte before Lotte had headed to school. It had definitely not been one of her worst depressive phases, only lasting two days, but had still showed that Lotte was willing to stay there with her, had been willing to take Sasha home that night and try her best to help her get through the bad spots.</p><p><em>I'm not leaving you,</em> Lotte had said when Sasha had been at her worst, Lotte's voice still full of love and adoration despite the circumstances. <em>And you're not leaving me</em>.</p><p>"Yeah, you have," Sasha says.</p><p>"And I didn't leave then," Lotte says, finally turning to face Sasha face to face. Her voice, now, is firm in her conviction as she promises: "And I won't leave again. We'll work through it together, I promise."</p><p>As her last, last argument, her final gasp of protest, Sasha asks: "How do you know that?"</p><p>Lotte's lips curve up into a knowing smile as she asks: "Do you know what my favorite photo here is?"</p><p>Sasha shakes her head, curious as to where Lotte is going with this, and Lotte takes Sasha's hand in hers and leads her to a small photo near the bottom of Sasha's panels of the wall. It's of a clock, a gorgeous wristwatch that an indie Norwegian film director had been wearing when he'd visited the school last week with his fiance. He'd carried it every he went, and her photographer's eyes had been unable to tear her eyes away from it. Eventually, after the talk he'd given, she'd worked up the courage to ask him to take a photo of it, and he'd smiled at his fiance- another man, with golden curls and a smile as fond as Lotte's can get when she's looking at Sasha. The director had then asked her, curiously, if she'd ever been in love, and Sasha thought of waking up in Lotte's bed every morning of the week and told him that yes, she was in love with her girlfriend. Then the director had offered her the pocket watch and told her to be careful of it while taking photos, that it had been a gift from his fiance the night he'd proposed. She, of course, had been plenty careful, asking him to instead just hold it in his own hands as she took the photo, and she remembers the way that the fiance had smiled when she'd taken it. It was the last photo she'd submitted for the art show, and she can't help but be grateful that her teacher had approved it.</p><p>"Why is this your favorite?"</p><p>"Because it reminds me of you," Lotte says, and there's something blooming in Sasha's chest as Lotte says: "And the fact that I'm going to be with you, working things out together, minute by minute, each day. No matter what happens, we'll work it out. Whenever you have a manic or depressive phase, whenever I don't sleep for days and am a dick to everyone, whenever one of us is scared or frustrated- we'll remember to take it minute by minute, just the two of us." She raises Sasha's hand to her lips and kisses it. "Minute by minute, Lotte and Sasha."</p><p>"Did you just make that up now?" Sasha asks, gaping just a little as her heart thunders in her chest, and Lotte shrugs, a small smirk growing on her lips.</p><p>"Well, I might have been thinking about it since you told me about that Bech Naeshim guy and his fiance, but I thought that today was a good enough time as any to bring up the idea." Lotte reaches up and tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm guessing it paid off?"</p><p>Sasha can't help but lean forward and pull Lotte into a kiss, her hands at Lotte's waist, pouring everything she has into the motion. Lotte really has no right to be as adorable as she is in every moment.</p><p>"I guess it did, then," Lotte says with a laugh as their lips separate.</p><p>"Hey, Ijzermans!" comes a semi-familiar voice, and Sasha looks up, brow furrowing, to find a group of three boys making their way through the people milling around the art show, moving in a bee-line for Lotte and Sasha.</p><p>"Shit," Lotte mutters, "I didn't think they'd actually come."</p><p>"Wait a minute," Sasha says with a laugh, "Are those-?"</p><p>"My idiot friends?" Lotte asks as the three boys head closer to her and Sasha. The boys are decently dressed, with Jens in a cozy looking sweater, Moyo in the plainest button-up imaginable, and Aaron in a red polo. Moyo and Aaron are wearing baggy jeans while Jens is wearing jeans that actually seem to fit. They don't seem to belong here, but from the brief interactions Sasha had with the three of them at the lake, this seems like a serious effort on their behalf to dress up. "I invited them to support you and Nathan, but like I said, I seriously didn't think they'd show."</p><p>"Well, I'm happy to meet them a day early," Sasha says with a crooked smile. She knows that she was supposed to re-meet the boys at a party tomorrow night for the first time as Lotte's girlfriend, but a night early couldn't hurt, not to meet her girlfriend's "Broerrs."</p><p>Lotte shakes her head. "They're embarrassing as fuck," she says even as she smiles fondly at her friends, who are nearly to their side.</p><p>"You're all dressed up, Lotte!" Aaron says, a bubble of guileless support that nearly has Sasha laughing. "You're so pretty tonight!"</p><p>Lotte rolls her eyes, showing off that sarcastic sense of humor Sasha knows hides just beneath the soft smiles and bright eyes. "Sasha, re-meet the Broerrs. Jens, Moyo, Aaron." She rattles off the names of the boys, each of which steps forward and shakes Sasha's hands as their name gets brought up as if they haven't all met already. (Then again, the last time she met them, Sasha was dating Brian and Lotte was dating her best friend, so she supposes a second first impression couldn't hurt.) "Broerrs, meet my girlfriend, Sasha Driesen."</p><p>"You're lucky to have our girl, you know," Moyo says to Sasha, tone sincere, and Lotte's cheeks flush as she ducks her head, a smile curling her lips upward.</p><p>"Yeah," Sasha says, "I can't believe how lucky I am to have caught the eye of the most beautiful girl in the world." She knows it sounds cliche as it passes her lips, but she doesn't care- watching the blush in Lotte's grow is totally worth it.</p><p>"God, you two are sappy," Jens says, and Lotte grins.</p><p>"And proud of it," Lotte says, "Just wait until my Instagram is entirely pictures of the two of us."</p><p>"And none of the Broerrs?" Moyo asks, and Lotte nods.</p><p>"Sorry, guys, you've moved down in my priority list," Lotte says, and Aaron's brow furrows.</p><p>"But you're still going to film a vlog on Sunday, right?" Aaron asks, "You're still part of the squad, right?"</p><p>Jens snorts. "Do you really think that getting into a relationship is going to prevent Lotte from being an idiot with the rest of us?"</p><p>"Hey-" Lotte starts to protest, but Sasha just leans over and kisses her girlfriend on the cheek.</p><p>"Can't wait to watch you with your boys," Sasha says, and Aaron lets out a small "aww" sound, actually clapping a little bit. Sasha looks up to find Moyo and Jens both smiling fondly at Lotte- Lotte's descriptions of them as "her boys" seem to be incredibly accurate. Those three boys, Lotte's "Broerrs," seem to really care about Lotte and her happiness, even if, by Lotte's descriptions, she's not always the best at showing it.</p><p>"Hey, Sasha," Moyo says, "Which one is yours?" He gestures to all of the displays around them, and Lotte immediately lights up.</p><p>"Lemme show you all her work," she says, taking Sasha's hand as she starts using her free hand to gesture to each of the pieces as she explains to the best of what she knows about them, and Sasha's never had anyone be that proud of her before, save maybe Nathan.</p><p>It's definitely a nice feeling, Sasha has to think as she watches Lotte talk about clocks and portraits and David Bowie, talking about art techniques that Sasha knows Lotte didn't know anything about before they met each other.</p><p>The fact that Lotte cares enough about what Sasha's been saying to pay attention to what she's interested in without judging her for it- it's just another reason why Sasha knows Lotte's so much healthier for her than Brian ever was. Lotte cares about her in so many ways, the big and the small, and Sasha can't express just how much she loves and appreciates that.</p><p>Being with Lotte- it's something beautiful, Sasha knows. It's something easy without ever being exhausting- something she's so lucky to have.</p><p>Sasha is content to stand by Lotte's side and watch as Lotte explains everything to her boys, watch Lotte's smile and moving hand, get to be witness to Lotte's sheer enthusiasm, pride, and happiness. She counts herself lucky to get to not only see Lotte Ijzermans this happy, but also to know that she's one of the people with the privilege of causing that beautiful smile.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Did y'all catch the Evak reference? Please tell me you did- it was so much fun to add!</p><p>Also, Sasha went into the police in this! I have a whole reasoning built up for it here v. why I think that Sander might not have wanted to do it in canon, but I hope that I built up enough reasoning in this fic that it made sense.</p><p>Hope you all enjoyed this fic! I had a lot of fun writing Sasha and Lotte and I'm hoping that you all loved them as much as I did. Building up Sasha's friendship with Nathan, her relationship wtih Lotte, Lotte's friendships with the Broerrs, and both of their friendships with the flatshare fam was a really fun (and at times a little complicated) adventure and I hope I pulled it off well.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If y'all want to follow me on twitter, I can be found <a href="https://twitter.com/KennaJenkins19">here</a>!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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